Hamburgers

I’m not what you’d call a fine food aficionado. I’ve never had escargot, pan-seared salmon makes me want to puke, and when I take a sip of wine I make a face like I just got punched in the dick.

That being said, I do know something tasty when I taste it. You know what’s almost always tasty? Hamburgers.

My apologies for all of our vegetarian readers, commenter Colleen in particular, but I think the good old-fashioned Hamburger warrants himself a rate in this space. I’m a meat eater, and I have been a meat eater (with one ill-advised hiatus) since I was born. When I look back over my history of meat-eating, I think I have ingested one meat in particular the most.

Ground Beef. My favorite form to ingest ground beef is Hamburgers. So there you have it, I think I have eaten more hamburgers in my life than other type of food.

It’s not just the frequency of hamburgers to stomach; it’s more than that. Think about it, when’s the last time you had a bad hamburger? I don’t know about you, but I can’t really remember a time when I’ve had a bad hamburger. Sure, I can remember some hamburgers that are better than others, but not a single one has been “bad”. Even frozen hamburgers from fast food joints taste delicious. Even hamburgers in other countries are serviceable. It’s the one food that you can’t fuck up. Always a safe bet wherever you may be eating.

Not only are hamburgers almost universally delicious, they are usually always one of the cheapest things on the menu. They are an affordable option for those of us on a tight budget. My ideal hamburger price is free, my usual hamburger price is 8 dollars, my manageable hamburger price is 10 dollars, and I don’t go to places that are nicer than that. Even if you somehow get sucked into a restaurant where a hamburger costs 12 dollars, the hamburger is still cheaper than just about anything else that that restaurant has. And if said restaurant has the gall to be charging 12 bucks for a hamburger, at least take solace in the fact that it ought to be a damn good hamburger.

Not to mention, Hamburgers are also the food of choice at perhaps my favorite warm weather activity, outdoor BBQ’s. Big public props to sometimes commenter Kevin, for routinely patting out the best patties I’ve ever had.

So thank you, noble cows, and thank you noble machine that grinds cow innards into easily moldable meat, and thank you noble grill or pan that turns said meat into my hamburger. You have performed admirably in my eyes, and more importantly my stomach for the past 23 odd years. Here’s hoping for many happy returns.

VERDICT:

UNDERRATED