Adam West's Batman

Every once in a while I feel so strongly about something I feel it needs my absolute undivided attention in order to give a proper rating. Last Sunday early afternoon I awoke hungover, wreaking of beer and shame, lumbered upstairs and turned on HBO.

And there it was.

Batman. Not The Dark Knight. Not Batman Begins. Not Batman starring Michael Keaton. But BATMAN. Released in 1966, starring Adam West, 105 minutes of pure...um...pure...You know what? One word cannot describe what this movie is.

Instead, I sat there, hungover, with a pencil and paper, and wrote down notes throughout the entire movie. (Note: I was hungover so i did poop twice and make a sandwich, so i'm sure I missed some sweet line or scene.) But those things aside, the following in bold is exactly what I wrote down as I was watching the movie, and the following in non-bold will try and help explain myself. In short, this movie is breath taking. I apologize for the length of this post, (Note: 2,848 words or roughly 7 pages of Microsoft word await you below..) but some things just can't be taken lightly.

* Robin waives @ Bimbo's, Batman thumbs up soldiers who removed hats

- This is at the very beginning of the movie. Batman and Robin take the "Batcopter" on some daring rescue. As they're flying across Gotham this slew of women working out on a rooftop, (why a rooftop? I'm chalking it up to 60's weirdness.) Are bouncing up and down waiving. Of course, young Robin dorkily waives back. Batman on the other hand is more disciplined. More stoic. He ignores the tramps and instead spots a group of old veterans, who (as the above quote implies) remove their caps in honor of the caped crusader. Batman, not a soldier himself but instead a billionare, does not salute, but a respectfull thumbs up instead. Nice.

* Bat-Suit 'Pure West'

- Look at that above picture. Adam West is by no means Christian Bale esq in buffness. But you know what? Unlike these other Batmans Adam West wasn't afraid to not leave anything to the imagination. He rocked that really homosexual looking suit and he rocked it with pride. (More on the suit later.)

*Shark repellent Bat-Spray near other Oceanic Bat-Sprays

Anyone who has seen this movie knows what i'm talking about. But in case you haven't, during this daring rescue Batman somehow gets a Shark that is biting his leg. Batman tries giving it some punches to the ribs, that didn't take. He tries kicking it, again, didn't take. So in a moment of desperation he demands Robin hands him down some Shark repellent Bat-spray. Which of course they have on handy in the Bat-Copter with other Oceanic Sprays. (Whale, Sting-Ray, etc.) I think this is a good time to point out this movie apparently was supposed to be action/adventure. ACTION/ADVENTURE!!!

*Moscow Bugle

So after this rescue attempt, (the Shark blows up by the way...he literally blows up.) Batman and Robin take a press conference. Evidently they were a lot more media friendly than Christian Bales Batman. Anywho, the Catwoman goes disguised as a Russian Reporter working for "The Moscow Bugle." Bare in mind this movie came out in 1966, the cold war was nuts right? The best part is Batman is really nice to her because "she was new to the culture." More on the USSR/USA parts of this movie as well...

*"We're perfectly normaly Americans"...."SUPPORT YOUR POLICE! That's our motto!"

Two of the many hilarious quotes spewed by the boy wonder Robin. By the way I haven't made it out of the press conference yet that is within twenty minutes of the beginning of the movie. I wasn't bullshitting when I said this would be the longest rate ever.

*Known Super Criminals Still @ Large

So Batman, Robin and Commisoner Gordon are trying to figure out who could've set up the shark attack, so they go to some computer thing and ask for pictures of the "Known Super-Criminals not in prison." Now, we're not sure what constitutes being a super criminal. Maybe you have to be really eccentric...I don't know if Mob Bosses can qualify for super criminals. We're not sure. But what else is awesome about this scene is they show pictures of the Joker, the Riddler, the Penguin and Catwoman. The thing is, they're not mugshots. They're like posed pictures of them in their little bad guy costumes. HOW DID BATMAN GET THOSE PICTURES?! Did the villians mail him Christmas cards? Like they're literally posing. I can't get over it.

* Pretty 'fishy'...'pulling my leg'...'C...C FOR CATWOMAN!'

I'll say this about Adam West's Batman. He and the boy wonder come up with the craziest ways to figure shit out. As they're still trying to come up with who could've caused the Shark attack, they go from it being 'fishy' to what happened to them (the Penguin) to the shark 'pulling his leg' (the joker) But wait! because it happened at SEA. SEA..C for Catwoman! Bare in mind this is before they do any real research or detective work. They're just bullshitting around with comissioner Gordon.

* Gotham United Underworld, "Today Gotham, Tomorrow The World!"

So if you've seen the movie (or if not as you may have guessed) Joker, Riddler, Catwoman and Penguin are in fact working together. They call themselves the Gotham United Underworld. They even have a little catch phrase. Much like "just do it" "I'm lovin it" etc. etc. "Today Gotham, Tomorrow The world!" That is written on the wall of their "super secret hideout." This super hideout the upper level of a dive bar. Practical. I also noticed the backdrop is the same backdrop in the pictures Batman was looking at them while researching 'known super criminals still at large.' That seals it, they totally sent Batman christmas cards.

* "We need to put our super-criminal ego's aside."

Courtesy of the Riddler. Not sure I need to go any further, just one of the 83,983 hillarious lines in this movie.

* Nuclear sub that looks like a Penguin.

Because they're super criminals somehow they were able to acquire a nuclear sub (we'll tackle that later.) The best part is though, they dressed it up like a Penguin. They gave it flippers, eyes, made it black and white. I wonder if the Penguin did that himself or if he made all of his underlings do it. And if you were one of his underlings wouldn't you seriously question your bosses leadership? Like that's what he has you do? Instead of, you know dealing drugs or something he wants you to make his nuclear sub look like a Penguin?

*Really Gay costumers...youthful ward? umm...wouldn't they freak out?

You can really tell I was hungover with those notes. But the points I was trying to make was the costumse in this movie (namely the Riddlers and Robins) were really, REALLY flamboyant. Which then got me to thinking how creepy it would be for a rich guy like Bruce Wayne to have a 'youthful ward' living with him. Someone he's not related to, but just some young kid. Rival companies would have PI"s all over this trying to dig up dirt. That would be a cool comic. A PI figures out their true identites because he thinks Bruce Wayne is a pedophile, then Batman and Robin need to kill him. I need to get DC comics on the horn.

*"Operator - The Pentagon, Naval Department."

Batman does this, calls the operator and gets right through to the pentagon. Can you really do that? Like if I 411 and said, "naval department, pentagon" I could get through? I mean, I don't see why not...this may be the most logical part of this movie. I'd also like to point out two things - Batman made Robin dial for him, which was just offputting. Then they learn though this call the Penguin bought a Nuclear sub, leaving only a PO box and the name "P.N. Guin." In the times of the coldwar would you really want to make the pentagon look that stupid? I mean I know the movie can't be taken seriously but dude.

*Minimum objective, the ENTIRE WORLD!

So through more ace sluething the dynamic duo figure out all four super criminals at large are in cahoots and working together. This prompted Batman to say the above quote. The question i want to know is if their MINIMUM objective is the ENTIRE WORLD...what would be their maximum? The world plus Mars? The galaxy? The world plus rights to the sun?

*"That disgusting, do-gooding Wayne Foundation."

The Riddler and Robin really battled for gayest costume and hillarious one liners in the movie. I dont' really have anything to add to that one either, it just made me smile.

* "Isn't there a bourgeois criminal in this country called the Riddler who prays on the working class?"

Catwoman, disguised as USSR reporter Kitka, talking to Bruce Wayne. How glorious is that line? Gotta give it to this movie they were not afraid to 'go there' in terms of Coldwar shit. Hahaha...Ah this is up there for funniest line in the movie.

*Everything in the Batcave is labeled

Self explanatory, but not hilarious unless I go deeper. There is a drinking fountain labeled "Drinking Water Dispenser" The Magnifying glass, "MAGNIFYING GLASS" EVERYTHING is labeled. Batman and Robin are the only two down there, shouldn't they know what everything is already?

*Julie Newbar = Hot

I was referring to the woman who plays catwoman in this movie. Who as it turns out is actually Lee Meriwether. But she was rocking it in this movie man. As it turns out Julie Newbar isn't a person either. Julie Newmar is who I was thinking of. But it looks like she was a BABE too. How come we got stuck with Michelle Phifer as catwoman in our age? We got hosed.

*Robin can't drive a car but can operate a helicopter.

Earlier in the movie when Batman was getting attacked by the Shark, Robin was flying the chopper. But later in the movie when Batman is on his date with Kitka...They need Alfred the butler to drive. Evidently flying a chopper is easier than driving a car. Who knew?

*Wayne wears a tuxedo on his date, Alfred has a little mask.

During said date Bruce Wayne is rocking a tux. I don't know about you ladies, but to me that reeks of 'its been a while and i'm trying REALLY hard to impress you.' Also funny note - while Alfred is driving around in the Batmobile he is wearing this little mask, like he's a crime fighter too. Some 90 year old wrinkly crime fighter. I still don't get why they didn't just take Robin to the DMV and get his license. Even if he didn't have his license. he's Robin! why would the cops pull him over he's a hero? bah!

*"They may be drinkers Robin, but they're also...human beings. And may, be, salvaged?"

Maybe the funniest line in the entire movie. Batman basically needs to get rid of this bomb he finds waiting for him in the criminals hideout (which mind you, is at a bar.) So he runs around all over the place before finally getting rid of it in the knick of time. This prompts Robin to ask Batman why he would risk his life for the "rift raft in the bar." Which leads Batman to literally say the above quote kind of like that. Batman also refers to the folks at the bar as "rumpots." Must be a 60's slang.

* Why does Batman have eyebrows on his mask?

Go back up to the picture...what purpose do those eyebrows serve? They don't look good, they're not deceptive. The really shocking this is it took me about an hour and fifteen minutes into the movie to figure it out.

*Burgess Meredith as the Penguin...glorious

That's right, Mickey from the Rocky movies is the Penguin. He does a nice job too. I feel like if you watch this movie you get the feeling he's the leader of the known super criminals. But that's neither here nor there he did this movie and Rocky I-III...he deserves some sort of awesome flower on his grave. God bless you Burgess...God bless.

*Bat-cycle has a Go-Kart that Robin has to ride in.

Back on Robin totally being a little patsy to Batman. They have this bat-cycle, it's a motorcycle, and attatched is what Batman calls a go-kart, but its like one of those little bitch seats thats to the side. I'm pretty sure they dont' make them on bikes anymore. Eitherway it was really really funny to see Robin driving in it.

*"An Egg, natures most perfect container."

...so says Batman. I guess? I mean I think tupperwear is pretty good too but...

* "Let's commandeer a taxi!" "No Robin! Luckily we're in tip-top condition. it'd be faster if we ran!"

Nice little exchange between Batman and Robin. Love the use of Commandeer, love the fact Batman thinks he's in tip top condition looking like he is in that picture up there. Love the fact they would run in those ridiculous costumes. Love it.

*Israel, Spain, France, Nigeria, United Kingdom, USA, Japan, West Germany, USSR.

Why did I list those nine random countries/former nations? Well, the super-villains plot was to kidnap the nine, I guess UN members of these respective nations who were meeting in Gotham for a peace conference. Or something. I don't even know. The important thing is the randomness of the nine countries. West Germany?! How did Nigeria get invited? (Oh I suppose I should point out how they planned on kidnapping them all was using this device that took the liquid out of them and left them as dust particles. This remarkably wouldn't kill them but simply make them easier for transport.)

*"One billion dollars per nation, delievered to our island by trained carrier pigeons i've provided!."

Where do I even start? Well first off this is the Penguin talking about their reward, but that's besides the point. Austin Powers I guess let us down, super criminals CAN ask for billions of dollars in the 60's. Also, they spent all this time making this awesome plan...and getting their money is dependent on trained carrier pigeons!! How do you even attatch money to a carrier pigeon? What the fuck is a carrier pigeon? CARRIER PIGEON!

* Pow, Bap, Biff, Ouch, Sploosh!

All little cartoon added words during the final fight scene. I personally liked ouch the best.

*Pretty sure Batman says 'bon voyage pussy'

In the midst of this final brawl, catwoman throws her cat at Batman. Instead of killing it or anything, he puts it on a rescue raft. (They're fighting on top of the submarine.) But as he does it i'm fairly certain he says "Bon voyage, pussy." I didn't rewind it to double check because if he didn't say it then I would be said.

*When he figures out Catwoman is Kitka he glances off in the distance, remembering some gay song he heard on their date.

Well, as you could've guessed, Batman eventually learned Catwoman was Kitka. (If they had mugshots instead of those super villain Christmas cards at the beginning of the movie this whole crisis could've been averted, but I digress.) Anyways, its funny...Adam West is truly moving in this scene. He also tells Robin the sort of thing is, "A normal occurence in the life of any crime fighter." OK then.

*Batman and Robin in Charge of fixing the particles?

So Batman and Robin lock up the bad guys, but their final task is to re-assemble the UN figures of the various nations. Batman and Robin. Two guys in gay little suits, one of which can't even drive a car. They're the ones everyone is ok with trying to put back together prominent UN like world leaders. Yup.

*"It's not for mortals like us to tamper with nature."

From Batman, after Robin hints at maybe altering the dust DNA to make the world a better place. I should point out they are having this moral talk in the highly labeled batcave wearing their costumes underneath a smock and a medical mask. So its really not that serious.

I love Adam West

I don't even know why I wrote that, but I truly mean it.

* "Let's go Robin, but conspicously...through the window."

Those are the last lines in the movie. And Adam West says them in all seriousness.

And that's why this is the most underrated comedy of all time. I'm not really sure if its supposed to be a comedy. Like, on the one hand I feel like it has to be because I nearly piss myself every time I see it and there's all this crazy shit. But on the otherhand, like...I don't know. the 60's were so messed up I can't totally be sure if they were trying to be funny with this or not.

I'd like to think they were trying to make an action flick for kids. One that turned out to be just so damn funny, that 43 years after it was made jackasses like me can sit around horribly hungover and take better notes on it than I ever did in any class ever taken.

Do I even need to say it?

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