Bar Tabs

Due to Rizzo's pending trial for the charge of hiring indenutred servants to work at his deli...your stuck with another TomO rate. But fear not, I actually went out and did some field research for once. The thing to be rated - Running Bar Tabs.

My God, can these things be deadly. Jerry Seinfeld has a standup skit about the tab at a restauraunt, how at the end when you get the bill everyone looks around at each other confused. "I'm not hungry now, why am I buying all this food?" He's got a good point - that does happen everytime. If you pay as you go you'll probably not spend as much, so its a brillaint plan by bars and restauraunts. They make more money and in the meantime you and the group you are with end up all getting pissed off at each other for one reason or another.

"Oh I didn't drink that much....I just had beer you had hard alcohol....I just got an appetizer...." etc. etc. Very rarely does a bill come where everyone says, "Oh man that's reasonable! I got this!" (Unless you go to the Spring Inn in Elmhurst, Illinois, where somehow the bill is always completely reasonable, but that's besides the point.)

So, Bar Tabs are overrated, right?

WRONG.

See, despite the inevitable bickering it may lead to, it does add something to the table - Unintentional comedy. While Urban Dictionary has a very specific definition for unintentional comedy, I feel it can apply to basically any situation that isn't funny in the 'classic' sense of the word, but for some reason it becomes hilarious. Let me try to explain it by giving you the details of my 'field research.'

Where:

Tilted Kilt - Chicago, Illinois. For those of you who may not have heard of Tilted Kilt, its a budding chain in the Chicago-land area, (possible the United States,) with waitresses that all dress like the women in the picture up top. It gives attractive females an opportunity to dress slutty on other nights besides Halloween, make a lot of money, and they can say to their parents, "I'm working at Tilted Kilt," instead of "I'm working at Hooters." The former just sounds a lot classier.

Why:

Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals. (See, Philly Sports Fans and F-ing with a Winning Streak...the Blackhawks have taken over this website as they have Chicago. ) Bottom line, a Saturday Night, a HUGE sporting event...these two things lend themselves to what the Irish refer to as a "heavy sesssion." (Aka lots of drinkin'.)

Who:

There were 13 of us at the table. One of the guys was going to 'stay sober' (what a loser!) and there were two women there. (Brave souls those girls were, walking into the hornets nest that was Tilted Kilt...although I suspect one of the girls went there to ensure her boyfriend didn't blatantly drool on every girl that walked past.) We didn't do the whole "seperate checks thing," I'm not even sure it was an option. Which meant the hour before the game and the two hours after the game...plus the 3 hours during the game, we all drank and ate on one massive bill.

The Tab:

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Here you go, the stat-line on the night, followed by some follow-up thoughts:

Green Line IPA - 7.00 (What the fuck is Green Line IPA? This must of been one of the girls doings.)

Jack Daniels (2 @9.00 double) - 18.00

Jack Daniels - 5.00 (Apparently someone wussed out on their third Jack and Coke and could only hanlde a single.)

Barton's Vodka (4 @5.50) - 22.00

Celtric Crush - 8.50 (What is Celtic Crush? This must have been the other girls drink. Or someones appetizer. I can't tell.)

Irish Nachos (2 @ 6.99) - 13.98 (I remember those...they weren't that good.)

Mozzarella Sticks ( 2 @6.99) - 13.98

Beef Nachos - 12.49 (Apparently "Irish Nachos" is slang for "poor person nachos".)

Traditional Pastrami Sand - 9.49 (Wait...someone ordered a sandwich?)

Rueben Pastrami - 8.99 (Wait...was I the only one who DIDN'T order food?)

Side of Two Pickles - .50 (...Too random to even put into thoughts....)

Crown Royal (43 @ 9.50) - 408.50 (I'll reserve my thoughts about this at the end...)

Big Arse Burger - 10.28 (Seriously, when did all these sandwiches show up?)

Spinach Artichoke Dip - 7.99 (I remember wanting to order that, now i'm concerned that I did, ate it, and didn't realize it because I was too focused on the Blackhawks..)

Jamesons (10 @5.00) 50.00 (Now we're talking...)

Rumpleminz (8 @ 7.50) 60.00 (Didn't think Rumpleminz was more expensive than Jameson....learn something new everyday.)

TK Lemon drop - 9.00 (Again....one of the girls was going rouge in what she was ordering.)

O Bomb (8 @ 10.50) 84.00 (I can't blame this one on the girls...)

Amaretto- 7.00

Bacardi - 6.50 (What the hell? Did someone do a flaming Dr. Pepper? I don't recall seeing fire.)

Southern Comfort (6 @ 8.50) 51.00 (If i've learned one thing out of this its that Jameson is my favorite shot that apparently isn't that expensive compared to everything else.)

Bud Light Bottle (55 @ 4.00) 220.00 (My friend is convinced we ordered more than 55, I think he's forgetting that we all drank a 40 on the train before we got to the Tilted Kilt.)

Subtotal: 1034.20

Tax: 116.35

Total: 1150.55

Gratuity: 186.16

Total: 1336.71

Server: Naomi

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Now, a couple of things. When we got the bill, some people had already left, and everyone else was a little too inebriated to actually look at it. All we could see was the bottom line. I do know one thing - There were not 43 Crown Royals ordered. In fact, i'm 99 percent sure there wasn't one Crown Royal ordered. However, i'm operating under the theory that Naomi got lazy and just started putting all the shots down as Crown Royal. Because if you take those 43 shots away that leaves 32 shots we bought - or just about 2.5 a person. That definitely didn't happen. There were shots flying all over the place. I know this because after every Hakws goal (there was six) a round of shots were ordered. After every period, a round of shots were ordered. And everytime anyone wearing a plad skirt walked by, shots were ordered.

I'm a little sad we didn't get more specific with what they were. But that's ok. Anyways, when I woke up Sunday morning, I remembered a few arguments pertaining to the bill. But then Sunday night when I actually looked at the bill again I realized something - it was funnier than anything I could write about on my own. (And if anyone wants to make me feel better and give me a big bar tab story, its more than welcome in the comments section.)

VERDICT:

UNDERRATED

Philadelphia Sports Fans

Ooooh, what a happy coincidence.



For the longest time on the memo pad of my cell phone I have had, "Philly Sports fans..." You see, I use the memo pad on my cell phone when I think of an idea for a rate, this way I can always go back to something in my little rating archives. For one reason or another, I hadn't gotten a chance to rate the Philadelphia Sports fans.



The majority view the Philadelphia Sports fan as a rabid, passionate fanbase. One which is truly diehard. The majority has mistaken being an asshole as being passionate.



The Philadelphia sports fans are - in a word - assholes.



There are passionate fans all throughout the country. (I like to think cold weater cities have more passionate fanbases because there is less to do in the winter time but pine over your sports teams.) Look at New York. Granted, I hate New York teams, but I give their fans credit. The Knick fans are crazy passionate. So are the Yankee fans. Look at Boston. God, how do I hate the Boston teams, but I give the fans credit, they are passionate.



Look at Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit, St. Louis and of course, Chicago. All have very invested sports fans that live and die with their pro teams. (Ok, maybe the St. Louis Rams fans are fair-weathered, but the Cardinal fans are good people.)



So what seperates the sports fans of Philadelphia? What makes them assholes and not simply passionate? A long list of hostile stupidity.



- For starters, their baseball team drafted a young prospect by the name of J.D. Drew. When he refused to sign for them because he wanted more money, they took it personal. How personal? They threw fucking batteries at him when he played in Philadelphia. That's not being a good fan...that's being a terrible person. God forbid the guy went somewhere else to make more money. I would've done that too. Its a business to these guys but the Philly fans acted like J.D. Drew raped their grandmothers.



- Oh yeah, they also boo'd Donavon McNabb the second the Eagles drafted him in 1999. Why? Because they wanted Stoner Ricky Williams instead. McNabb went on to start for them for 10 straight years, while Ricky Williams is most notable for getting high on the beaches of New Zealand. Did the Philadelphia fans come to grips that McNabb was the best player they could have drafted? Did they make up for it by wildly cheering for him and defending him? Did they praise him for getting them to the Superbowl?



Nope. They boo'd him relentlessly. They blamed him for every loss no matter how well he played and called him a choke artist. They forget to mention they would never ever be in any big games without him, because that would be darn-right logical. Then they forced McNabb out of town to make way for a totally inexperienced quarterback.



- http://www.thiswebsiteisunderrated.com/ also has an exclusive report that Philadelphia fans came to opening day of the Washington Nationals and boo'd Ryan Zimmerman when it was announced he won the gold glove. THEY BOO'D RYAN FUCKING ZIMMERMAN! Why did they do this? The Phillies didn't have a great fielding third basemen that got screwed out of the award. The Nationals are not the Phillies rivals. Ryan Zimmerman by all accounts is a very polite, law abiding young man. There is absolutely no reason to boo him for winning an award. But there go Philadelphia sports fans again. Those "passionate" "diehard" fans doing what they do best - being assholes.



Its only fitting that the most beloved hockey team in the history of Philadelphia had the nickname the "Broadstreet Bullies." A team that thugged their way into winning the Stanley Cup Championship in the 1970's. A team full of complete assholes to be cheered upon by the asshole fans that reside on Philadelphia. It all makes too much sense.



But oooh, happy....happy coincidence. You see in a few short days those Philadelphia Flyers will be coming to Chicago. Those Philadelphia Flyers will be playing the Chicago Blackhawks for the coolest trophy in all of sports; The Stanley Cup.



Friends, late the hate begin.



Philly fans, you know what I was happy about?


When Apollo Creed beat Rocky in Rocky I.


When Charles Barkley left your crappy team for Phoenix and became an MVP.


When Donovan McNabb lights you up next year. (It hasn't happened yet, but it will.)


When T.O. destroyed your team.


When you hitched your wagon to Allen Iverson's star and never won shit.


When Joe Carter hit a walk-off home run to win the world series against you.



And you know something? Don't blame me when....



Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp and Marion Hossa skate circles over you.



When Dustin Byfuglien blocks the vision of your goalie every single game.



When Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook don't let you assholes breath on offense.



When you try to out-muscle the Hawks (cause you sure as shit can't outplay them) the line of Madden, Burish and Eager punch you square in the mouth right back.



When Jonathan Toews lifts the Stanley Cup trophy over his head...and your team heads to the locker room defeated.



Don't blame me when it happens. You deserve every bad tragic sports related thing that happens to you...because your assholes. The Blackhawks are going to kick your ass..and you had it coming, bitches. (ps, to my brother in law who is a Philadelphia fan...i'm sorry, but I am NOT sorry.)

VERDICT:

OVERRATED

Cat People

So I have this friend, and she really loves cats.

At least once a month i've been getting texts from her saying, "Can you rate cat videos?" "Can you rate cats?" etc. etc.

She's even gone out of her way to do the research for me, providing me videos like this: Little Kitty, Big Meow.

She also gave me the Stalker Cat video.

Again, the constant ball-busting i've received has left me no choice but to go ahead and give it a rate.

Only i'm not going to do a rate on cat videos. Or cats in general. Rather, I chose to rate "Cat People."

See, i've always had dogs. At home, even at college. There were always dogs running around my house. I've never lived in a house with a cat full time. The only thing that came close to being a pet cat for me was this boarderline stray cat that used to come by my house down in Bloomington Indiana. My roomates and I would occasionally have bond-fires/smoke cigars/drink in our backyard, and for some reason everytime we had one of these nights this black cat would show up uninvited and hang out with us. I don't know why, but this cat loved jumping on top of my car and watching us. Hence, we gave him the name "Fiddler." (Cause he was always on the roof.) I gave Fiddler a ton of shit, partly because I KNOW he could understand me when I would say, "Don't you jump on my car Fiddler." Yet he would still look me straight in the eyes, look back at my car, then jump on the roof anyways.

That's the thing with cats, most of them have a "I don't give a fuck," attitude about them. And as much as I gave Fiddler shit, I always kind of liked the little bastard. I think I could say the same for most cats i've met - I like to give them shit for being creepy, but ultimately am somewhat fond of them.

Either way, while i'm much more of a dog person, and would be more inclined to buy a dog than a cat, I do still like cats. They're sort of cute in a creepy kind of way, (which is how 90 percent of the women Rizzo has dated chose to describe him.)

Even though I like cats, they are not underrated. And even though I think these videos are funny, they are not underrated. While the two videos i've linked are funny, each have a crazy amount of hits, hence, they aren't over or under rated.

Now to the rate in question: Cat People.

My friend who demanded this rate...we'lljust call her M. Pukala so she's annonymous. Maybe that's too obvious, let's go with Megan P. (that picture up there is actually her, those of you that know her and haven't seen her since Winter time, that's what she looks like now. That's what happens when all you do is smoke non-filtered cigarettes and drink scotch all the time.)

Anyways, Megan, like all cat people can typically fall under three types of people: Jackass, Senile, or Sociopath (Megan happens to fall under all three somehow.)

Jackass

Watch those youtube clips again. That poor kitten was shoved in a boot by its master and then videotaped. What the hell? Then stalker cat, at the end of the video it gets hit by the camera and chased off. That's just downright cruel. Not to mention when Cat People learn guys like me are more of dog people they naturally assume we're just too dumb to properly understand the subtleties and beauty of cats. "Oooh, well my cat is very well behaved, and very playfull, blah blah blah." Etc. etc.

Senile

Crazy Cat lady. 'Nuff said.

Sociopath

If movies have taught us anything, its that sociopathic serial killers like cats. The badguy from the early Bond movies had a cat. The badguy from inspector Gadget had a cat. Ted Bundy had cats (I think.) Anyways, if you ever want to make yourself look slightly more evil, get a cat. Train it to hiss at otherwise innocent things like babies or girlscouts. Have it sitting on your lap when you're making a business negotiation. It'll work, people will find you more evil.

See I always had it in my head that I didn't like cats. I couldn't really come up with a reason why, it may have been fundamental as, "well i'm a dog person." Maybe I got scratched as a kid. I don't know, but I've always had this pre-conceived notion that I didn't like them.

It took me putting my thoughts down on print that made me realize something: I do like cats. They're cool animals. But like Duke Basketball, New York Yankee Baseball, Hard-core Republicans or Hard-Core Democrats and anyone that went to Notre Dame....its not the instituations/teams/animal that I don't like in and of itself - its the people that support them.

Cat people - Get over yourself, (and if I ever wind up murdered, everyone who reads this site will know that some psychopath cat owner was the one who did me in.)

VERDICT:

OVERRATED